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What's going on in my life

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Post by Goldy Tue Mar 13, 2018 11:21 pm

Hey guys!! I've been having some issues lately and I feel like venting them to you guys. Sorry for the novel haha
Over spring break my parents told me they're getting a divorce. My sister didn't really care and she doesn't really like any of us so I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. Since my parents don't like each other and my sister doesn't really like either of them, it kinda feels like I don't have a family anymore, just me and three people who want nothing to do with each other. My sister and I are both in college two states away from home and I don't know where I'm going to live over summer since my parents are selling the house and probably going to live in apartments with no room for me since they're both broke and can't afford anything big. I might live with my former neighbor Terri (if you guys remember my outdoor cat Steve she was his other owner) and she's like a second mom to me but her husband is an alcoholic so I don't really want to live there but I might not have anywhere else to go. I blame myself a lot for the divorce. They didn't really tell me why but I'm sure they were just waiting til I moved out, so it's my fault they stayed together so long even though they were unhappy. Tbh I've always thought my parents would be better off if I hadn't been born, and this is kind of confirmation. I feel like I failed in trying to keep them together, because like I said none of them want anything to do with each other, and I made them unhappy by trying.
Aaanyway spring break was pretty much awful since things were so rough between me and my parents. When I got home I realized my mom sold some of the clothes I left at home between winter and spring break, which included a few cute dresses I got from American Eagle (so like $20-$40 each whoops I splurge) that I really liked but she always thought were too revealing and she said made me look like a slut. She's done this before, I hadn't ever confronted her but a few pieces of clothing I liked disappeared right after she told me it was too tight/low cut/short/revealing/etc. I was really upset about the dresses since like half my closet was gone and I confronted her but I couldn't really do anything about it. I was only able to see one of my friends over break since my break was way earlier than everyone else's so they weren't home yet, which sucks because there are a few people I haven't seen since last summer because I was sick for most of winter break. I didn't really do anything idk it wasn't a good time.
I talked to my mom about the issues I've been having with anxiety, and she seemed pretty weird about it at first like trying to find reasons why I don't have it until she finally confessed to something that happened when I was 9. I wasn't paying attention in school and my teacher recommended having me tested for ADHD so my mom brought me to a psychologist, and I remember him telling me that I didn't have ADHD, I was just really smart for my age and getting bored in school. However, apparently he told my mom that I had social anxiety disorder, and he recommended that she should get me involved in other social activities and see a therapist. Well, my mom decided that it wasn't a big deal and that it would go away on its own, which obviously was wrong since now I'm a mess who can't even talk to other people in my classes smh but I think my mom just feels really guilty since she knows she could have done something but didn't.
I'm really struggling in school too, I've been getting Cs (which is bad but whatever in high school but awful in college) and as much as I study I can't seem to do better. I might lose my scholarship over it. My design classes are so much work and I get so confused but I'm always too nervous to ask for help. I'm in an anatomy drawing class and everyone else is such an amazing artist and I'm easily one of the worst people there. I hate my roommate, she's ~slept with~ a guy when I was trying to sleep, facetimed her friend at 2 am when I was trying to sleep last night, comes in at night when I'm doing homework and turns the light out to sleep without asking me, ignores me when I say hey, etc. We barely talk and it's not like we argue or anything but the whole situation had been really stressing me out all year. I'm friends with a lot of people on my floor but we don't really hang out besides getting meals sometimes, I just have one really close friend at my school, she's great and everything we hang out during most of our free time every day, but it kinda sucks having only one good friend since when she's gone I don't really have anyone else who I regularly hang out with. I love all of my other friends but they're pretty different from me and I usually find myself not really talking when we hang out.
Also I don't have any money and I really need jaw surgery, my jaw is crooked and pushed too far back and apart from it making me look even uglier than I already do it could cause breathing problems when I'm older. My parents won't help pay for it since they think it's pointless and I have no way of paying for it myself since it would be at least a few thousand dollars. I'm thinking of starting a GoFundMe but I doubt that would do anything. I feel so self-conscious about my face and I really want this surgery but there's just no way it can happen.
Anyway that's most of what's going on but I don't want this to be totally dark so there's some good stuff too!! My dad got us tickets to see my fav 80s band Huey Lewis and the News in June and we'll be fairly close to the stage and I'm soo excited! I finally started looking at this site called Poshmark that lets you buy and sell good quality used or nwt clothes and that some of my friends have been using to sell their clothes for a while, and I found some clothes for really cheap from some expensive stores and I'm going to order some soon since I haven't bought many new clothes in the past couple years. My friend and I started watching this show called The Good Place and I really like it! I have two boxes of my fav cereal Frosted Flakes in my closet. I started taking melatonin and it's been helping me fall asleep a little faster. I bought a cool purple hoodie with a brontosaurus skeleton on it from Target over break. Good Mythical Morning is a thing that exists. I'm eating animal crackers right now. It's the little things haha
Well if anyone read all this bless your soul sorry if I bored you!
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Post by Lotusbreeze Tue Mar 13, 2018 11:40 pm

Awww, Goldy </3 I’m so sorry! I hope things do get better somehow :(

Remember: always keep going and reach for your goals, and maybe soon you can overcome your pain! I believe in you!
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Post by Goldy Tue Mar 13, 2018 11:43 pm

Aww thanks Lotus!! I will <3 I just gotta work harder
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Post by Tornadostorm Tue Mar 13, 2018 11:47 pm

Nooo, it's not boring D:

You see, it's really normal for the kids to blame themselves when their parents get divorced, and think it's their fault. It really never is, it's always between the parents and the parents alone, but the way it effects the kids involved is really heartbreaking. She may not express it, but I'm sure this is hurting Potato too >.< (I remember being so confused and a little offended, honestly, when Stealth didn't express her feelings much when our grandfather died. But that's just how she coped) They probably waited until now to spare your feelings. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have been born, NOT. AT. ALL!!! If your parents can't express, or don't love you, that's their problem, not yours.

Maybe try talking to Potato, and asking her how she's doing/how she feels about the situation? She might be struggling more then you think, and you guys could help each other???

About your school situation, I totally understand about the one friend thing. At least you have us though!!! And about your roommate.... Maybe try confronting her about how she treats you? Or maybe try and sets some boundaries with her? And if that doesn't work, Go to the principal, or whoever can help you, and ask to change roommates, or rooms. Because it isn't fair, or right, that you just cope with this. It's... Not good for your soul, or self esteem, to allow yourself to be constantly ignored by the person who should probably be your best friend.

And don't feel like you shouldn't have been born, or your worthless, or anything of the sort. I know it's hard, but every time a thought like that comes up, try and fight it, stop yourself from finishing the thought, combat it with positive thoughts about yourself, or whatever you have to. Because I know from experience if you just ignore it, it'll get much worse. And you were made in God's image, God could have not allowed your parents to have you, but he did, and he made you, YOU, and he gave you a purpose. Even if you don't know it yet. I, for one, know you've been a very big inspiration, and support for me. Never give up, never surrender. And stay strong

*tightly hugs*
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Post by Lotusbreeze Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:00 am

^I agree with Twist!

Definitely talk with your sister about it, she might need as much support as you do. Even if she just acts like it doesn’t affect her in any way, she might be feeling a lot of pain from this.

And roommates should never be like that, nope. Roommates should be good, supportive people who are willing to live with you and help you through whatever you’re going through. Definitely talk to someone about this issue!

And yes, you definitely were born for a reason. You’re not worthless at all <3 I totally get this mentality, I’ve gone through some pretty intense emotions and thoughts before, and things do get better with support! As someone who also suffers with social anxiety and related disorders, getting support from someone is the best. Having someone, anyone, being there for you and helping you through your troubles is the best thing in the world. It might feel you have no one, but there are plenty of people to talk to, including us! You’re not alone, Goldy <3
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Post by Tornadostorm Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:07 am

Yas, and about your jaw, maybe making/staring a site where you could get donations would be a big help to you. People can be actually surprising generous <3
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Post by Goldy Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:09 am

@Tornadostorm Aww Twist thank you so so much <3 I know my parents love me and would never want me to feel that way but I still do. If they were waiting to get a divorce they probably just chose to protect my feelings but I still feel horribly guilty about it. I don't feel like I could try to talk to Potato about it, she definitely could be upset about it inside but I know she hates being open about her emotions especially with me, so I know if I said anything she'd just be annoyed with me. She's always been like that, not wanting to show her emotions and mocking me when I do, but she probably still feels things underneath. Probably?? If she's struggling with anything I know she'd prefer to do it on her own, which leaves me on my own too.
I totally should have told our RA about my roommate situation earlier in the year and tried to work things out with my roommate, but since there's only 2 months left of school I'll just ride it out. At this point I couldn't change rooms anyway and it would just tick my roommate off. I'm sure I'll be in a better situation next year!
I'm trying to redirect my thoughts and think more positively. Thanks so much Twiz <3 I really needed to hear that.

@Lotuspaw thank you <3<3 I'm so glad I have you (and Twist) to talk to whenever I need to know I'm not alone. Let me know if you ever need to talk to me, I'll be there! As far as support goes, I think I'll start going to on campus therapy soon, I'm still pretty nervous to go but I've realized I should reach out for help when I need it.
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Post by Tornadostorm Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:29 am

Ye, that should hopefully help. Especially if you go regularly. I'm very glad to hear your taking steps to try and help the problem. Because you can't go anywhere if you don't walk, haha.
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Post by Meadowpaw Wed Mar 14, 2018 9:11 am

Aww Ham, you know I'm always here for you! <3 I've told you this a million times and I'll say it again, the divorice is NOT your fault!! Nothing is your fault! You are an amazing person Hama, you're my best friend. You are so loved, valued, important, talented, AND soo beautiful! (You are NOT ugly!!!) Everytime we talk or FaceTime I always have so much fun with you and and you make me smile. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but those negative feelings won't always stick around. You will feel better! And your family is still your family and they all have at least one thing in common: they all love YOU! (Even Meagan!!!). You are never alone Han, and God loves you so much, more than you can imagine! I know you've never really gone to church but I hope you know He is here for you and you are His perfect masterpiece who He treasures and loves and He wants to help you through your hardships. <3 Everything is going to be okay, because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Things are rough now, but they WILL get better. Never lose hope. I love you Hama, keep your head up high! <33

And yes, it's so important to look at the little things in life that make us happy! :D Even if it's as simple as watching a good show you enjoy (I watched The Good Place too!) or eating animal crackers! What's going on in my life 4075629692
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Post by Goldy Wed Mar 14, 2018 8:43 pm

Aww Hannah thank you so much!! I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you <3 I really needed to hear that, love ya ham! I know things will get better but I'm tired of waiting. Ooh how did you like The Good Place? I still have 5 episodes left of season 2 but the plot twists are great
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Post by Meadowpaw Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:27 pm

Awe, yeah I know it's hard to wait, but the wait will be worth it, I promise! <3

I liked it! Yess, there are so many plot twists, I'm very curious to see how season 3 will go! Let me know what you think when you finish season 2!
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Post by Goldy Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:42 pm

I finished it today and it was so good!! SPOILER ALERT I'm really interested to see how their lives will all go on Earth
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Post by Meadowpaw Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Yes!! With all the plot twists this show has, who knows how season 3 will go!
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Post by Goldy Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:44 pm

I have no idea but I'm excited to find out!
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Post by Mistpaw Fri Mar 16, 2018 11:30 am

I’m so sorry Goldy i didn’t realize things were so hard for you right now. I’m sure your parents are just trying to do what’s best for you and your sister. I’m sure that them being apart has nothing to do with you and sister and you should never feel that it’s your fault that they are getting a divorce. If you can’t talk to your parents or sister try talking to a guidance counselor or professor at your school as I’m sure talking it out with someone will definetly help
As for your jaw I’m sure your perfect the way you are and are beautiful even with that, you should never feel you should change yourself or your appearance just based on what other people think about it if they can’t handle the fact that you are unique and special then I’m sure they are insecure about themselves as well
Never feel like you are alone we will always be right here if you ever need to talk
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Post by Lotusbreeze Fri Mar 16, 2018 3:19 pm

^^Actually, a crooked jaw is a lot more than an appearance thing, it’s also a health thing. Crooked jaws can cause a lot of complications, including not being able to chew very well, not being able to breathe through the nose and having to breathe through the mouth instead, jaw pains, sleeping troubles, speaking troubles, etc.

Also, I dunno how severe your crooked jaw is, but if it’s not too severe there are other options other than surgery. But if your dentist has already told you that your crooked jaw is so severe that the only option is surgery, then I guess you’d have to wait until you get money somehow (definitely get a GoFundMe or something).

I dunno, I’ve been looking into a bunch of dental stuff because I have an overbite, and my dentist would tell me every appointment to try to get braces (I didn’t really want braces tho. I was younger and didn’t feel responsible enough xD). I dunno if I still have an overbite tho (I probably do), since my dentist has never mentioned anything recently, but I think I’d try Invisalign rather than braces. It’s a lot easier, from what I’ve heard.

Anyways, yeah, try looking into different treatment options if your jaw isn’t so severely crooked. Otherwise, I do encourage raising money for surgery!
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Post by Goldy Fri Mar 16, 2018 10:08 pm

Thank you so much Mist!! I might try to see an on campus therapist soon, I'll try not to be too self conscious

And Lotus is right about the health thing. My jaw is also at a slant/pushed too far back, I have a hard time breathing through my nose for extended amounts of time, jaw pain and hard time chewing, etc. My mom's jaw is too far back too (not crooked though) and she has mild sleep apnea, so I might get that when I'm older too
I've talked to a surgeon about it and I definitely need it, they took x rays and stuff and it was kinda shocking how messed up it looked. Surgery is for sure the only option besides just living with it
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Post by Lotusbreeze Fri Mar 16, 2018 10:21 pm

Yikes, that sounds pretty severe >.< I hope you do get the surgery someday. Getting surgery to fix it sounds much better than having to live with all the complications. Definitely raise money for it!

And hopefully when I can, I can try to fix my overbite if my dentist asks me about it again. Invisalign should work well since my overbite isn’t severe (in fact, a lot of people hardly believe I even have an overbite because it’s not very noticable XD I’m like, “Yeah, my dentist says I need braces.” And then they say, “But why???? Your teeth look fine??????” Me: “Yeah, but I have a bit of an overbite XD”). I can get some complications with an overbite as well, it seems, and I’d rather not have any.
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Post by Goldy Mon May 14, 2018 12:25 pm

Update:
I'm home for summer now and my dad told me some stuff I don't want to get into here but it's been really crushing me and I feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm going through all of my stuff and boxing it up since I have to move out of my parents' house by Sunday. I'm going to put my stuff in a storage unit since I won't have a bedroom anymore, my mom might let me crash on her couch at her apartment but that's it for my living situation. I don't have a job yet and nowhere I've applied to has called me back, my dad knows the owner of a McDonald's near me so he thinks he can get me a job there as like a cashier but with my crippling social anxiety and terrible hearing I'd be awful at it and probably breaking down every day. Both my parents are mad at me all the time and none of my friends here want to hang out. I got 3 As and 2 Bs this semester (5 3-credit classes) but my GPA is still just under 3.0 from the mess last semester so I might lose my scholarship anyway. My sister's coming here in a couple weeks and she's prob going to be staying at my mom's house too and she mostly just hits me and yells at me so I'm not excited to have to live with her again. I have a cavity from my braces but I can't even afford a filling, and my ortho said I really really need jaw surgery but I don't even know if I can keep paying for my braces since my mom will probably stop paying for them. I just feel like I don't have a reason to even be alive anymore since everything's going wrong and I don't enjoy anything anymore. Not even my parents want me around and I've just been a burden on them and everyone else. There's nothing I can do about anything and I know my life is just going to be a downward spiral until I die since I have no talents or redeeming qualities that will let me succeed at anything
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Post by Tornadostorm Mon May 14, 2018 1:53 pm

This is sooooohooooo not true D: don’t believe that! Things are rough right now but NONE of it is your fault. Don’t feel guilty about your parents, or their situation, because it’s not at all you who controls how much money they have or make. And you can’t help how much money you need to live. Everyone needs similar amounts. Yes, even with your cavities, and surgery. I recently had mouth surgery myself, and my family has had numerous surgeries and cavities, so it’s not just you.

As for your sister, that seems like an abusive relationship, which once again isn’t you. I honestly wouldn’t expect that from Potato, from when I knew her, but clearly I didn’t know her that well. I’m honestly not sure what advice or comfort I could give you, other then tell someone, someone you can trust and who can help.

I’m going to guess it’ll be hard for you to convice yourself what I’m saying is true, but it is. And however and whatever you need to do to cope, to hang on, to not do more damage, to NOT hurt yourself, would be good. And if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. :) and I’ll be praying.
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Post by Lotusbreeze Mon May 14, 2018 2:25 pm

Awww, Goldy! Please don't say such things, you DO mean something and you DO have a purpose in life! You're a wonderful friend and I know you'll turn out fine in the end!

Please remember that the future has so much in store for you, and with so much time and effort, you can get to a better situation in life.

I really wish I could do something to help out, I really do, but I cant. It saddens me to hear when any of my friends have to face struggles such as these. I have a few friends who have this same kind of problem, so I understand what you're going through. These friends, they learned to stay strong and are doing all they can to benefit themselves and family. If they can do that, you can too.

If you need to talk to me, please feel free to. I'll keep you in my prayers. <3
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Post by Meadowpaw Mon May 14, 2018 9:57 pm

HANNAH don't ever say those things about yourself!!! No no no, nothing of that sort is true!! You are loved, important, and amazing and I don't know what I'd do without you! You are such a blessing in my life, and I'm grateful everyday God has blessed me with our friendship! You make me laugh and smile, and I always enjoy talking to you. One day we will meet each other and it will be an amazing, fun day, I just know it! Everything is going to be alright, Hamz, it really will be!! You can't see it now, but good things are coming! That's a promise to those who never lose hope and never give up! There is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel!! We all go through rough times, you're not alone, but we don't stay in those rough situations forever. Your life has so much value & meaning and you were put on this earth for a very important reason & purpose. Everyone matters! You are no exception, you matter too! Ily Hannah<3
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Post by Goldy Mon May 14, 2018 10:44 pm

@Tornadostorm I know the financial stuff isn't fully my fault, but since I haven't had a job I can't help my parents. My dad found out recently that my mom had been lying about financial stuff and my family is 70k in debt, which is about a year and a half of my dad's salary and they've both been living paycheck to paycheck so I don't know how they'll pay it off, they're also in their mid-50s with no retirement savings which is pretty scary since I don't want them to have to work for the rest of their lives and I know I'll probably never be well off enough to support them. Potatofrost is a genius and she's going to be an engineer so she'll be really rich but she plans to travel a lot and she doesn't care that much about my parents so I don't think she'll take care of it. I still like my sister and all she's not a bad person and the 'abusive' stuff has gotten better lately since I've gotten better at not making her mad haha she's still the person you know just really short tempered sometimes and sometimes reacts violently to stuff. Thank you so much, I'll keep that in mind, I won't do anything harmful don't worry I'm just feeling bad about everything
@Lotuspaw Thank you so much! Lately I've just felt nothing but dread when thinking about my future, over the past year everything's just gone wrong and I don't feel like there's any reason why that'll change. I'll try to keep that in mind and try to be strong <3
@Meadowkit aww Hannah I'm sorry, I feel like I'm letting you down by feeling like this since you've been doing everything you can to help me. I don't see a light yet but I'll look. I'm so glad to have you around and you always know how to make me feel better. I've just been so overwhelmed with everything that I don't know if this rough time will end, I feel like I barely have a home or family anymore. I really needed to hear that, ily Ham
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Post by Meadowpaw Wed May 16, 2018 8:52 pm

Don't feel bad, it's not your fault you are feeling like this, you don't need to feel like you are letting me down. <3 It breaks my heart you are going through such a hard time but I know you will get out of it! You can't see it yet but good times are coming. I'll be with you every step of the way too, always here for to support you & be the best friend I can be. Your family still loves you too, even though you feel like it is falling apart. They are still your family and that won't change. <3
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Post by Goldy Wed May 16, 2018 11:30 pm

Aww thank you so much Hannah, it's great to have a friend I can count on <3
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What's going on in my life Empty Re: What's going on in my life

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