Describe Characters You Like But Make Them Sound Weird/Lame

I was randomly inspired by a thread on CS (Describe your favorite things and make them sound terrible) to make something similar here, but instead of fandoms, involving individual CHARACTERS, WOO

So basically, just choose a character (or more than one) that you like and try to describe them in a way them makes them sound utterly boring, weird, etc. Have as much fun with your descriptions as you want~ >:D (Within site rules, of course) You can say who the character(s) is/are in parenthesis, or put that part in a spoiler tag (or leave it out altogether) and let others try and guess who you're describing.

*An example to start things off*:

Woman with pink hair who constantly sings and apparently obsesses over large, saltwater fish.

Spoiler:

*Rubs hands together* y e s

Let me just start by picking a random one here-

A kind of beetle that shoots lightning and is supposedly a really fast and nimble flyer, but is somehow actually really slow.

Spoiler:

He discovers that he's blue so he leads a failed coup, massacres hundreds in an invasion, and fakes his death, until he bonds with a hero and feels sorry. He dies for real in a failed assassination attempt against a bigger threat, throwing away his life and accomplishing nothing.

Spoiler:

This game must live

A very enthusiastic but grounded young woman who totally could have pursued a career as an engineer, but instead chose to go on heroic adventures with an enormous kooky old man. Lives in a futuristic sci-fi world, but wields a high-tech flail and shield like a boss against enemies with guns and particle beams and such. Sounds kind of like a kid but is actually like 6'+ tall and works out. She's also kind of a cat lady.

PS: Notable for at one time being the most ridiculously broken character in the entire game.

Spoiler:

A super-annoying robot who was made in ten seconds and has absolutely no brain capacity as a result. Also pretty much invented RANDOM WAFFLEZ LULZ XDDD culture much to the chagrin of 2000s internet users everywhere. Never heard of shutting up in his entire life and manages to ruin every single plan he's assigned to despite taking orders being the express purpose he was built for.

Spoiler:

Moronic British ball who is unable to ever shut up serves as the protagonist's comedic relief friend and guide until he gets a taste of power. He suddenly shifts into a villain determined to kill the hero through a serious of mediocre death traps. He spaces out in the final battle and is defeated in under 3 minutes.

Spoiler:

Basically a clone of a beloved and heroic main character, except now he's constantly angsting and self-doubting to the point where nothing can save him—actually, it turns out that just a single freaky five-minute dream sequence is enough to unravel all of his overwhelming emotional baggage, never mind! He's also straight-up made of grass, meaning he can be and in fact has been weed-whacked to death.

Spoiler:

edgy sarcastic teen loses out on $100,000 because he doesn't like sports and didn't want to play dodgeball. He gets the chance to win $1,000,000 and a trip around the world instead, genuinely trying to be friendly and actively participate more, but gets tossed away because he openly questioned the trustworthiness of an obviously untrustworthy guy. He's invited back for one last chance, but loses and legitimately stops caring about a million dollars just because he developed a crush.

Spoiler:

The living embodiment of pretentious insane goth emo edge, amped up to eleven because he kills and tortures people on a regular basis! For whatever plot-convenient reason, he can't really die, be caught for his crimes, or heaven forbid attain any kind of happiness. His monologues often stretch several pages and are insufferably existential, especially when his twisted knick-knacks start arguing in his mind for the billionth time. Really hard to imagine how you could possibly care about someone this messed-up at first, but tons of fangirls romanticize his every horrible action for some unfathomable reason.

Spoiler:

this character is from recent media so vague spoiler alert???

dark tortured emo guy idolizes and aspires to be just like his ancestor, but gets tired of the constant comparisons and his inferiority complex so then decides to swing in the polar opposite direction and go out of his way to NOT be like his ancestor and be his own man. In a weird twist, unknown to him, this decision cements his fate. By trying so hard not to be like his ancestor he makes all the same decisions and dies doing the very thing the ancestor spent his whole life trying to achieve. Also there's the minor detail that he committed patricide but he APOLOGIZED so everything's OK NOW!

Spoiler:

A sad and constantly bullied shadow person of unclear origin who is woobified beyond belief. Makes a split-second decision to join forces with the opposing side to get back at her abusive sisters and winds up, big surprise, falling in love with the leader of the resistance group. And, as if being mocked in-universe wasn't enough, the whole internet decided to throw a fit over her gender for no real reason.

Spoiler:

He's at his most interesting when he's a tortured, corrupted, brainwashed assassin sent to kill the main characters. When his mind is repaired, he settles into the background and fills the generic "friend" role. His characterization is defined by his friendship with the main character, and he doesn't have any real traits of his own, at least until this year! The main character has the opportunity to fix his life forever at the end and just... doesn't? And he's cool with this and takes it with a smile?

Spoiler:

furry

Spoiler:

A character notorious for having one of the most uncomfortable, toxic fanbases of all time. I grew up liking him but now the stereotype of his fandom is so strong I distance myself from talking about him at all. He was the focus of one of the biggest controversies in entertainment of 2019. His canon material is occasional gold in a sea of garbage. Memed to death. And to top it all off, I'm awful at using him in Smash!

If it wasn't obvious::

A stubborn kid who dedicates every moment of his life to the failed pursuit of getting other people to see that he's always right. Despite seeming obnoxiously arrogant at times, it's really just because his only source of self-worth comes from external validation, which is kind of pathetic especially considering the overall heartlessness of the world he lives in. The fact that he never gets any is a constant disappointment, but the cherry on top is how perfectly he parallels his sworn nemesis in that regard with neither of them ever seeming to notice or care.

h: